Thursday, December 17, 2015

A Letter to My Children



My sweet babies,

Yes, I know that technically none of you are really babies anymore. I'm now the proud mama of a toddler and two preteens...and a precious little one who I never got to meet. No, none of you are babies, but I'm your mama, and you will always be MY babies

So many people look forward to the New Year and new beginnings -- and really, I do too. But at the same time, it makes me a little sad. I'm not ready to say good bye to this moment -- where we are right now. I want to pause and savor this time we have together while you are still "little" for a bit longer.

My loves, we have made so many great memories together (and oh how I wish that I was able to make those memories with all four of you, but as much as I wish it,  I can't change it). I know we have a lifetime of memories to make, and I'm looking forward to it.

My sweet babies, since I'm feeling sentimental today, I'm writing to share some memories with you. These are some of your "firsts" and what they have meant to me. You won't remember these, but now you'll always know, and one day, when you have your children of your own, you'll understand why these are some of my greatest treasures.

You won't remember the way I cried tears of joy and relief when I heard you cry for the first time.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how when the doctor held you up and I got to gaze at your sweet face for the first time,  I was overcome with so many emotions I couldn't speak.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember the first time the nurse gently placed you in my arms.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how I held you close, inhaled your scent, kissed your sweet face, and softly whispered, "Hello, my love,  I am your mommy, and I'm so glad you're finally here."

But I will never forget.

You won't remember the first time you laughed...and I mean REALLY laughed. Those big belly laughs shook your whole body.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how the sound of your laughter was contagious and that I laughed right along with you -- so hard I cried.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember the first time you stood up all by yourself in the middle of a room and took your first shaky steps.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how I cheered for you and clapped.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how my eyes stung with happy tears to see you take those first steps.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how proud you were that you were "big" now too.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember the first time you got hurt.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how hard you cried.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how you ran to me for comfort.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how I held you tight and kissed you and made you smile.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how you snuggled against me and fell asleep -- finally content.

But I will never forget.

You won't remember how I held you while you slept and listened to your peaceful breaths.

But I will never forget.

And, my loves, until you have babies of your own, you'll never know how much I hurt that day...all because you hurt. It broke my heart.

Until you have babies of your own, you won't understand how much I dreaded the day when my love and comfort alone wouldn't be enough to dry your tears and make you happy again.

My babies, we have celebrated so many firsts together, and as you can see,  there are many firsts that you can't possibly remember.

I know that I am celebrating "firsts" for the last time as my youngest baby starts his journey into toddlerhood -- at least until, many, many years from now, when you have babies of your own and celebrate your own firsts.

My loves, I want each of you to know how proud I am to be your mama. YOU are the best parts of me.

Even though you make me crazy sometimes, I love you like only a mom can love a child --fiercely and unconditionally. There is no sacrifice that I wouldn't make for you.

The only regret I'll ever have is that I was not able to live these moments with all four of you, but I am so thankful for each of these experiences because all of you have molded me into the mama that I am. I am looking forward to all the new memories and the new firsts we will experience together.

I love you.

Mom



* Read my PALS Original piece "Celebrating 'Firsts' for the Last Time" that inspired this letter.



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